A whole new world

Aladdin is one of my favorite movies ever. I love this scene/song so much. My cousin and I used to stand on the area rug in my aunt's living room and sing this song. That was obviously a long time ago lol :) But I love this song. It makes me happy and gives me hope :)

Minnesota Part Uno

So far family vacation has been pretty awesome. There's a big difference between sitting around at home doing nothing..and hanging out in Minnesota doing nothing :P I'm having a great time just hangin out!

Saturday we went to the Laura Ingles Wilder festival in Walnut Grove. It seems kind of lame, but it was pretty fun. My parents bought Hannah and I a bonnet, which we wore with pride! (Pics soon to follow)

Sunday we came to the resort (which isn't really a resort, but whatever lol). The room we have is more like an apartment. There's two bedrooms both with 2 queen beds, a living room, and a full kitchen. Plus we have our own deck, which is pretty sweet :)

Yesterday, we traveled (and got lost) to Bloomington to the Mall of America. We were only there for about 2 1/2 hours, but I got some shopping in :P. The point of going to the mall was so we could catch the transit and ride the train to the Metrodome for the Twins game. Which they won! :D (pics soon to follow also lol) Oh, and Joe Mauer is a sexy motherfucker. I would like one for Christmas plz :D lol

Today we're not doing much. Slept in late, did some laundry, just hanging out. We're thinking of going to the lake soon. But that's about it.

Yay being lazy :D It's a much needed break. Though I'm pretty excited about going back to school in a couple weeks! :)

Tyler took my pictures today!

These are the pictures for the modelling contest I'm entering. All I needed was one headshot, but we decided we needed some options. These are my three favorites. The first b&w is the one I'm going to submit :)

Ugh

Why is it that when I'm in a great mood, there's always something to bring me down?

I had a good day of doing absolutely nothing, and I was in a good mood. And then there's that bang! of "fuck you ashley! you can't be happy! hahahaha!"

Fuck you life. You suck...

...until tomorrow when I'm hopefully in a better mood.

This summer is almost over...

Yet there is still so much to do!

I'm really excited to get back to school, but I'm very nervous as well. For many reasons, I might add. I think the more the advertise "Back to School" stuff..the less excited I get...weird.

Exciting news!!
My parents bought us pots and pans and some cooking utensils for the house Kim, Alysha, the two girls I don't know and I are living in next year!! I'm really excited!! It's several less things I have to worry about. The boxes were sitting in the living room all day and I didn't even notice them. When my dad got home he was like, "Did you see what we got you?!" And I was so excited!! I immediately called Kim and she was equally excited!! Things are finally coming together!! :D

Other exciting news!!
My parents are almost done with our kitchen remodel!!! The fridge got put in yesterday..but the countertop is about 3/4 an inch too long..so we can't push it all the way in place. So the countertop guy has to come back AGAIN to fix it (this will be the 3rd time. My parents aren't happy). Also, I have no idea where anything is in the new kitchen, and the silverware is still missing :P


In other news...
I had a very interesting dream last night..which I will not go into detail about on here because there are certain people who I don't want to know about it. But I think it was a really important dream for me to have. That sounds really lame, but I think it's going to make a big difference next year. It was rather eye-opening (not literally, Kim). But it was something I needed to see. And it makes me excited to go back to school :)



And that's about it. This week I have to go to the chiropractor tomorrow, early check-in on Wednesday, Tyler is taking my picture Thursday and Friday night my parents, sister and I leave for Minnesota for a week! I'm pretty excited about that. I'm ready to get out of here! :P

After the trip, there's only 2 weeks left of summer!! It will be filled with hanging with my friends, school supply shopping, and organizing all my crap from last semester that's still in milk crates and tubs in my room. I'm so excited!!! :D

Keeping my sanity

Kim gave me suggestions!

Blog lots. Download/find new amazing music.
Text me.
Read new books :)
write/draw
make happy things happen


I cannot download music because I can't use my laptop because we still don't have to wi-fi up. (Thanks dad)

I do text you!

I have started rereading Harry Potter 7...which was much needed because I barely remember any of it..I read it in 4 days after it came out last year and haven't touched it since. I thought after seeing the 6th movie, I'd get caught up on what happens next :)

I'm a shame to the drawing world. And I can only write so much! :P

AND I am working on making happy things happen :D

(Thank you Kim!:D)


Tomorrow, I have to journey to the other side of town to Carolyn's house where Alex and Nate will help me load the sleeper sofa into my father's SUV and will reloacte it to my garage until move-in day (August 16th). After that, I'm planning on making a small pit stop at Wal-Mart and Hobby Lobby (for some crafy things!) after dropping off the boys.



VERY EXCITING NEWS! :D

I recieved an email this morning from Torrid.com informing me of a modeling contest opportunity. I'm not sure how much exposure or whatnot this will get me if I win, but it's worth a shot! All I have to do is fill out an entry form with a bunch of silly questions (which I will answer with my amazing wit and charm which will surely secure me a winning spot) and a headshot.

My dear childhood friend Tyler (who is a fantastic photographer) has agreed to take a couple pictures of me next week so that we can choose which is the best to send in. And I will send everything in before I leave for Minnesota a week from tomorrow.

It's kind of a long shot, but I'm a full figured young hip beautiful woman. So why not?! I've got nothing to lose but money for postage. And if I win, I get a free trip to LA, a make up consultation, and a photoshoot. So hells yeah!

Boo

My summer has consisted of a whole lot of nothing. Which I guess I kind of expected. Summer school took out a good chunk. And having no job leads to a whole lot of sitting around doing nothing all day.

I NEED SOMETHING TO DO.

My school friends are busy doing more exciting things at home. My home friends and I barely talk anymore because they're all always at work.


BOO.

I need a hobby. Something to do to keep me from going absolutely insane for this last month.

OMG. There's a month left. :D :D :D :D make that 3 weeks. I'm going to Minnesota for a week the week after next. God I need to get out of here. Or I need to find something to do!!!


I'm so pathetic.

It was God

Growing up, my parents always made me go to church. I went every Sunday with them, and from grades 7-12, I went to youth group on Wednesdays. And it was just a thing that I did. I had friends there, but I didn't really mix my church/school/home lives. I wasn't a crazy bible thumper who was all "YOU NEED JESUS!", but I had beliefs and I liked going.

Two weeks before graduation, my youth pastor announced to us that he was leaving the church because he felt called to do so. It was really hard on me. Mike and I were really close and he had helped me through a lot of hard times. Before tonight, I hadn't talked to him since my birthday a year ago.

I'm not a church-going person anymore. I got sick of the hypocritical people and my parents forcing me to go to church. I believe what I believe and I don't feel the need to shove it down other peoples throats. So yeah, that's why I don't go to church.


Anyway, the point of this is that I talked to Mike tonight. (His name is Mike Rapp..so we just called him MyCrap :P...the old southern baptist women LOVED that..not.) Yeah, so tomorrow, a friend of our family is getting married and tonight, my parents hosted the rehearsal dinner for her. I was standing in line for the bathroom and a phone on the table next to me started ringing. I didn't know who's it was, but I looked to see who was calling so I could answer and give the phone to that person. I looked at the phone and it said none other than "Mike Rapp". I thought 'Why not? I know him, it's not weird.' So I answered the phone. He didn't know who I was at first, but I told him it was me and he sounded surprised and excited to hear from me at the same time. We chatted for a bit, I told him where I go to school and my major (he asked if I was serious then suggested therapy lol). Then I asked who he'd called for and he said Jill, and I told him I'd take the phone to her, but he said "No! I'm talking to you right now!"

We ended up talking and catching up for about half an hour. He asked about school and such, and we talked about his new job. Then he asked about the guys in my life. And I told him the most recent situation which hasn't been all that great. Mike has always seen something in me that I have never been able to see for myself. He doesn't know any of the guys I've dated, but he knows by the way that I've been hurt that I have been giving in too easily. He said "Pretend you're a piece of furniture. You want a guy to want to pay $10,000 for you. Not $10. The $10 guys aren't in it for real. They just want something easy and not really meaningful. But the guys who are willing to spend $10,000 to get you are the real thing. You know that he really cares and he's worth it."

I've been dating $10 guys. I'm so afraid that I'm not going to get what I really want and what I'm really looking for that I just give up and deal with what I can get. I'm not saying that I just "dealt" with the last guy I dated. But I gave into a lot of things that he did. He's not what I really want. There's not chivalry there. He wanted what was easy to handle, and when I got tired of it, he freaked. But when he got tired of it, it was magically okay. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good person with a good heart and I deserve a great guy who wants to give me the world. Someone who really wants to be with me. Who wants a real relationship and who isn't afraid to kiss me goodbye in front of his friends, or hold my hand in public or change his damn facebook status. A guy who doesn't change his mind about me every 3 weeks. I DON'T DESERVE THAT.


I'm a good person. I'm beautiful and strong willed and smart. I need a guy who will love me for those things. Not just ignore them.


Anyway, talking to Mike made me realize a lot of things about myself. That I do deserve the best, and I shouldn't settle for someone who's going to change his mind every 5 seconds. It's really hard because I'm a really impatient person, but I know in the end, it'll be worth the wait.

Also, Mike asked me "If he dropped the girl and came back to you, apologized for everything and said he only wanted you, would you go back to him?" And I said no. My heart can't and won't take it anymore. This experience has sucked, but it's what I needed to realize that I'm a great person who deserves great things. And I'm only 19! There's plenty of time for greatness! :)


And finally, one thing that Mike said to me was this. He said "I know it was God who had you answer the phone tonight". I may not be all "OMG GOD", but I believe it was meant to be that I answered the phone. It was a much needed talk with an old friend. He's helped me so much in the past, and here he is, still giving me advice and telling me exactly what I need to hear. And I am so thankful for that.

Things are looking up!

Today was a pretty good day! With the exception of Hannah waking me up every half an hour to inform me of what time it was and I should get out of bed. Thanks brat. But she's 8, and she's my little sister and I love her:)

I'm Hannah-sitting all week, so I get to have all kinds of funnnn. Today we went to the pool! I've never gone to the pool with just me and her, so I was a little overprotective at first. Then I realized that all the other children around me were her age or younger, and their parents were just hanging out in the chairs on the side. So I asked if she'd be okay to swim by herself and she laughed at me:P I layed out for about an hour, which was very relaxing (and much needed).

After the pool, we went to Central Dairy! The best ice cream place everrrr. Alex met us there, and I bought him ice cream. He'd had a bad day at work, and he's one of my best friends, so I figured I should be nice to him:P

Then we came home, and here I am :P

After the past couple of days, it's been hard to bounce back. It's only day two, and it's still hard, but I'm doing alright. I'm really optimistic about the rest of the summer and the school year. Now I just have to be patient..something I'm not very good at! :P

It's over.

For good. No more chances. This was the last straw. I've given so much of myself in the last several months, and it didn't matter.

I'm sorry that I couldn't make you happy enough.

Meh

I'm hurt.
And I'm tired of being hurt.
You promised it wouldn't be like this this tmie.

I just want the truth.
I don't think that's too much to ask.
And I think after everything, I deserve that much.

Stop being a coward.
Please.

What is this thing we call family?

Is it the thing we're sometimes unfortunately born into? Or the people who love us? I think it's kind of a mixture of both.


There are a lot of people in my life who I consider "family". My parents got divorced when I was 7 and both remarried when I was 9. That gives me 4 "families". But although all of those people are now technically my "family", I don't consider them actually family.

I've always been relatively close to my mom's side of the family. They're all hypocrites and bitches, but I grew up with them and have spent more time with them than any other side. Though I really feel like they're family, it's more like a "Christmas family". I only see and talk to them on Christmas. And there's always a fight because my Aunt Sue feels like my mother is a horrible person for breaking up the family and now my sister Jackie and I are these terrible charity cases. And she treats my mom like shit, but my mom won't say anything because she has too much pride. (It's kind of a vicious cycle.) But I'm not close to anyone in this group of people at all. I get a birthday card every year, but that's about it. Communication pretty much stops there.

My dad's side of the family, on the other hand, is much smaller and much more civil. We usually meet for Thanksgiving (or Christmas, depending on which parent has us for what holiday). Things go well, my dad's only sister and her husband and 2 children are super sweet. I'm not as close to them as my mom's side, so I feel weird talking to them if my dad isn't around. But we do chat occasionally throughout the year.

My stepmom's family = Lisa's parents had 10 kids. Each kid was married and has at least 2-3 children. Some of them have children. I get lost in the mix. I don't even know everyone's name. Most of them don't know me. I don't really consider that much of a family.

Then there's my stepdad's family. He has a brother and a sister, both married with children. My transition into becoming part of this family was very rocky. My grandma kind of rejected us because we weren't her own. And my Aunt Leesa rejected my mother because she was afraid she would hurt her brother. However, after many years and fights, this group of people love me more than the woman who's been married to my father for the last 10 years. My Uncle David would do anything for me. He's threatened to beat the shit out of any guy I've ever dated if they hurt me. Ever. And he's made this threat many times...he's in Iraq right now, so no need to shake in your boots. Til he comes home. Aunt Leesa is such a great woman. She loves me so much and actually treats me like I'm a member of her family. Grandma finally learned to love Jackie and I. I'd never cried so much at a funeral as I did at hers. I'm tearing up just writing about it. She was all of 5 feet tall and she could scare her full grown military sons. And the best part was that she loved me. My grandpa loves me. Everytime he sees me he says "Keep your powder dry while you're up at school, missy!" Oh grandpa... Anyway. I was not born into this family, but they love me like I'm their own. My stepdad more than anyone. I'm his baby. I think he would die if anything happened to me. I love him so much too.


I know families aren't perfect. And mine is far from it. There have been so many fights and threats, and so many tears. But I know who loves me. And those people are my family. And those are the people who I want to surround myself with.

Everything is changing

Yeah i know. Great title right? Changes happen, I'm aware.

But everything's changing. Faster than I thought it would. Home doesn't even feel like home anymore. My best friend and I never talk. We've hung out once since I've been home. I don't even feel close to my friends here anymore. I hung out with Alex yesterday and it was so weird. It was like nothing's changed, but everything has. There's no special feelings there anymore. We just walked around Blockbuster for 30 minutes (okay, the two most indecisive people in the world trying to pick a movie and taking foreverrrrrr..that hasn't changed). Then went to his house and watched it. And then I went home. It sounds simple, but it's so much different than a year ago! Those of you who read this don't even understand. It's a change, but a necessary one. We're both better off this way. He's still one of my best friends, but things will never be the same. They haven't been after the Cassie-incident. But whatever. We both moved on, and I want to believe that the guy I've fallen for over the last couple of months is different. I know he is. I just wish he would call me. Alex may be a sore subject, but he's still my friend and he'll always be there for me no matter what. I guess that part hasn't changed.


Another change: my house. My parents hate this house, but they can't move due to crappy housing market. So instead, they're changing it. Which is almost as bad. First, they bought a new microwave. Not just any microwave. But one that goes over the stove. Like, they moved it to the other side of the kitchen. It may not seem like a lot, but it really freaked me out. Then they redid their bedroom. FINALLY painted it (after 10 years)and redid their bathroom. That's kinda weird for me, but I rarely go to that end of our house, so it's really not that big of a deal.

The real kicker is the kitchen. They started construction the day after I got home from summer school. It was really great waking up at 8am to power tools, let me tell ya. Not really. Anyway, it's pretty close to being done now. New cabinets, colors, floors, light fixtures, fridge. Everything. And I mean, literally, everything. Except like, the other appliances. It's so different and it doesn't even feel like my kitchen anymore. The hardwood floor isn't in yet, and the countertops don't come for 2 more weeks. Don't get me wrong, it's going to look pretty freakin sweet when it's all done. It's just different. New. After 10 years of living in this house, my parents are changing everything! When they're done with the kitchen, they're moving onto the carpeting in the rest of the house! Then tearing down the pannelling in the basement and putting up drywall and insulation and stuff. UGH. It's not even my home anymore.


Jefferson City/Holts Summit, MO is not my home anymore. My friends and I have nothing in common. I'm the only one, which the exception of Brandon who is in SC for the Marines, who went farther away than 30 miles to go to school. I'm the outlier (damn you biostat). This place isn't for me anymore. I need to go back to school. But even then, everything will be different. Kim and I will be living together in a house (yay!). Cory will probably be a-wall all semester again. David will still be around (I hope). God only knows what will happen with me and Paul.


I don't know what next year has in store for me. With relationships, APO, school. I don't know what the hell is going to happen. But I'm ready for it to be here so I can find out.