It was God

Growing up, my parents always made me go to church. I went every Sunday with them, and from grades 7-12, I went to youth group on Wednesdays. And it was just a thing that I did. I had friends there, but I didn't really mix my church/school/home lives. I wasn't a crazy bible thumper who was all "YOU NEED JESUS!", but I had beliefs and I liked going.

Two weeks before graduation, my youth pastor announced to us that he was leaving the church because he felt called to do so. It was really hard on me. Mike and I were really close and he had helped me through a lot of hard times. Before tonight, I hadn't talked to him since my birthday a year ago.

I'm not a church-going person anymore. I got sick of the hypocritical people and my parents forcing me to go to church. I believe what I believe and I don't feel the need to shove it down other peoples throats. So yeah, that's why I don't go to church.


Anyway, the point of this is that I talked to Mike tonight. (His name is Mike Rapp..so we just called him MyCrap :P...the old southern baptist women LOVED that..not.) Yeah, so tomorrow, a friend of our family is getting married and tonight, my parents hosted the rehearsal dinner for her. I was standing in line for the bathroom and a phone on the table next to me started ringing. I didn't know who's it was, but I looked to see who was calling so I could answer and give the phone to that person. I looked at the phone and it said none other than "Mike Rapp". I thought 'Why not? I know him, it's not weird.' So I answered the phone. He didn't know who I was at first, but I told him it was me and he sounded surprised and excited to hear from me at the same time. We chatted for a bit, I told him where I go to school and my major (he asked if I was serious then suggested therapy lol). Then I asked who he'd called for and he said Jill, and I told him I'd take the phone to her, but he said "No! I'm talking to you right now!"

We ended up talking and catching up for about half an hour. He asked about school and such, and we talked about his new job. Then he asked about the guys in my life. And I told him the most recent situation which hasn't been all that great. Mike has always seen something in me that I have never been able to see for myself. He doesn't know any of the guys I've dated, but he knows by the way that I've been hurt that I have been giving in too easily. He said "Pretend you're a piece of furniture. You want a guy to want to pay $10,000 for you. Not $10. The $10 guys aren't in it for real. They just want something easy and not really meaningful. But the guys who are willing to spend $10,000 to get you are the real thing. You know that he really cares and he's worth it."

I've been dating $10 guys. I'm so afraid that I'm not going to get what I really want and what I'm really looking for that I just give up and deal with what I can get. I'm not saying that I just "dealt" with the last guy I dated. But I gave into a lot of things that he did. He's not what I really want. There's not chivalry there. He wanted what was easy to handle, and when I got tired of it, he freaked. But when he got tired of it, it was magically okay. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good person with a good heart and I deserve a great guy who wants to give me the world. Someone who really wants to be with me. Who wants a real relationship and who isn't afraid to kiss me goodbye in front of his friends, or hold my hand in public or change his damn facebook status. A guy who doesn't change his mind about me every 3 weeks. I DON'T DESERVE THAT.


I'm a good person. I'm beautiful and strong willed and smart. I need a guy who will love me for those things. Not just ignore them.


Anyway, talking to Mike made me realize a lot of things about myself. That I do deserve the best, and I shouldn't settle for someone who's going to change his mind every 5 seconds. It's really hard because I'm a really impatient person, but I know in the end, it'll be worth the wait.

Also, Mike asked me "If he dropped the girl and came back to you, apologized for everything and said he only wanted you, would you go back to him?" And I said no. My heart can't and won't take it anymore. This experience has sucked, but it's what I needed to realize that I'm a great person who deserves great things. And I'm only 19! There's plenty of time for greatness! :)


And finally, one thing that Mike said to me was this. He said "I know it was God who had you answer the phone tonight". I may not be all "OMG GOD", but I believe it was meant to be that I answered the phone. It was a much needed talk with an old friend. He's helped me so much in the past, and here he is, still giving me advice and telling me exactly what I need to hear. And I am so thankful for that.