There is one month left of this semester and with that is only 8 days left of school, 2 weeks of work, Christmas and New Years. So I feel alright writing this post early.
2009 has not treated me well.
I have been through a lot of rough times from day one.
I got my heart broken this year.
I lost my best friend from high school.
I got broken up with in a text message. Twice.
My grades haven't been that great.
I've lost all desire for school.
This has really been the semester from hell.
My summer was awful.
My home life is pretty much nonexistent. My friends from home don't even talk to me anymore.
But the good parts of 2009, though few and far between, are still important.
I grew so much closer to Kim. She's my best friend in the entire world and I love her so much.
I also grew so much closer to David, who has always been there for me every time I needed him.
My dad and I have remained close. He helped me through a lot.
Every day gets better. Every day is a new day. 2010 is not going to be as bad as 2009. I let my guard down this year. I was a pansy and I'm not usually like that. He got to me, but I'm not letting that happen ever again. With anyone. Especially him.
I'm a young, strong, beautiful woman. I intend on being successful and happy, and I'm not letting anyone get in my way anymore.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Flying by
November is half over. It's really flying by. I can't say I'm terribly upset about that. The sooner this semester is over, the better.
2009 has been a very rough year for me. I keep hoping that it will get better. And it is. Little by little. But I'm still having a very hard time. Don't tell me to "learn to deal with life". I'm 19. I'm still growing. And I'm pretty sure that growing up, I went through some pretty serious shit that you guys only hear in stories. I know everyone has something that's fucked up. I've been through all kinds of things, but this has been the hardest year of my life. I have never cried so much.
Next semester is going to prove to be equally as interesting as this. (Though 2010 will treat me a little better). Next semester I'm continuing with chemistry and taking Organic 2. I'm also adding a minor. This may or may not be a good idea. But I feel like I need to add something else that I can focus on when chemistry becomes too much. So with that, I'm adding computer science as a minor.
Ha! Me. Adding computer science. As if chemistry wasn't enough. My dad called me an uber nerd. Of his 3 daughters, I can assure you that he never expected me to be the super nerd. But I know he's proud and it's something I enjoy, and that's really all that matters.
However, right now, I would not mind if organic chemistry just kind of fell out of existence.
There is not much else to report here. I will be going home next week for 4 days for Thanksgiving break. Hannah turns 9 that Sunday and we're going to Chuckie Cheese. (FUCK YEAH!). And I'm only going home for Christmas break for about 4 days as well. I have to work a lot and the only person I really want to see at home is my dad anyway. So we'll see what actually happens.
2009 has been a very rough year for me. I keep hoping that it will get better. And it is. Little by little. But I'm still having a very hard time. Don't tell me to "learn to deal with life". I'm 19. I'm still growing. And I'm pretty sure that growing up, I went through some pretty serious shit that you guys only hear in stories. I know everyone has something that's fucked up. I've been through all kinds of things, but this has been the hardest year of my life. I have never cried so much.
Next semester is going to prove to be equally as interesting as this. (Though 2010 will treat me a little better). Next semester I'm continuing with chemistry and taking Organic 2. I'm also adding a minor. This may or may not be a good idea. But I feel like I need to add something else that I can focus on when chemistry becomes too much. So with that, I'm adding computer science as a minor.
Ha! Me. Adding computer science. As if chemistry wasn't enough. My dad called me an uber nerd. Of his 3 daughters, I can assure you that he never expected me to be the super nerd. But I know he's proud and it's something I enjoy, and that's really all that matters.
However, right now, I would not mind if organic chemistry just kind of fell out of existence.
There is not much else to report here. I will be going home next week for 4 days for Thanksgiving break. Hannah turns 9 that Sunday and we're going to Chuckie Cheese. (FUCK YEAH!). And I'm only going home for Christmas break for about 4 days as well. I have to work a lot and the only person I really want to see at home is my dad anyway. So we'll see what actually happens.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Almost November
So there are only 3 days left in October. I feel like this semester is seriously just flying by, and I have nothing to show for it but crappy grades and a serious of breakdowns.
This semester has been really rough for me. Some may not know that because I don't really like to talk about it with everyone. My classes are much harder this semester and I've been experiencing a severe lack of motivation. I'm very aware that this is not good, so I got myself in gear and studied for my organic test for 6 straight days. And I failed it. And then I called my dad and cried it out. I was a bit of a wreck on Tuesday because I worked so hard and I looked like I didn't try at all. I was so disappointed in myself. I love chemistry, but everytime I fail, I have more thoughts about whether or not this is what I should be doing. However, I don't like anything else, and like I said, I like chemistry. So I'm kind of not sure what I should do :/. But my dad did say that he would pay for a professional tutor for me if I needed it. That might help, but I don't want to be that sister who can't even pass her classes for her major....but that's a totally different emotional rant.
Other than classes, I've been dealing with people. People who say they want to be my friends but then treat me like crap. I'm a person too, okay? Just in case you were unaware, I wanted to give you that reminder. I have feelings and I don't like to be fucked with. I've been fucked over so many times in the last few months by people who I trusted with everything and I'm really sick of it. So (in case you haven't noticed), I've take a step back. I haven't been around a lot lately and I've been keeping to myself. I'm tired of listening to people bitch about one another and I'm tired of being the butt of a lot of jokes.
OH. And don't tell me that I need to learn how to "deal with life better". I'm 19. I'm still growing up. I call my dad like every other day and rant, sometimes cry. But that's what I do. That's my life. I'm still learning and becoming the person I'm going to become. And if you don't like it, then don't fucking talk to me! It's that easy! *gasp*
Also, there's APO. Running for VP of Membership for this semester was probably not the best idea. I'm having fun with it, but it's stressing me the fuck out. Luckily, there's only two weeks until the pledges become activated as brothers and my job is pretty much done. But I will not be running for an office next semester seeing as I have a very busy schedule next semester already planned out.
Speaking of next semester....I'm taking (for sure) Organic Chem 2, Analytical Chem, and Precalc. And probably some gen ed that I throw in there to get an easy A. I'll be in lab 3 days a week next semester. So if you don't see me very much, I'll probably be in the library, hibernating, or dead. Just to be optimistic and all.
I'm really ready for this semester to be over. Actually, I'm really ready for this year to be over. This is not fun. College is supposed to be fun right? But you know, I'm learning a lot about myself. And about other people. But I guess that's what college is all about....
This semester has been really rough for me. Some may not know that because I don't really like to talk about it with everyone. My classes are much harder this semester and I've been experiencing a severe lack of motivation. I'm very aware that this is not good, so I got myself in gear and studied for my organic test for 6 straight days. And I failed it. And then I called my dad and cried it out. I was a bit of a wreck on Tuesday because I worked so hard and I looked like I didn't try at all. I was so disappointed in myself. I love chemistry, but everytime I fail, I have more thoughts about whether or not this is what I should be doing. However, I don't like anything else, and like I said, I like chemistry. So I'm kind of not sure what I should do :/. But my dad did say that he would pay for a professional tutor for me if I needed it. That might help, but I don't want to be that sister who can't even pass her classes for her major....but that's a totally different emotional rant.
Other than classes, I've been dealing with people. People who say they want to be my friends but then treat me like crap. I'm a person too, okay? Just in case you were unaware, I wanted to give you that reminder. I have feelings and I don't like to be fucked with. I've been fucked over so many times in the last few months by people who I trusted with everything and I'm really sick of it. So (in case you haven't noticed), I've take a step back. I haven't been around a lot lately and I've been keeping to myself. I'm tired of listening to people bitch about one another and I'm tired of being the butt of a lot of jokes.
OH. And don't tell me that I need to learn how to "deal with life better". I'm 19. I'm still growing up. I call my dad like every other day and rant, sometimes cry. But that's what I do. That's my life. I'm still learning and becoming the person I'm going to become. And if you don't like it, then don't fucking talk to me! It's that easy! *gasp*
Also, there's APO. Running for VP of Membership for this semester was probably not the best idea. I'm having fun with it, but it's stressing me the fuck out. Luckily, there's only two weeks until the pledges become activated as brothers and my job is pretty much done. But I will not be running for an office next semester seeing as I have a very busy schedule next semester already planned out.
Speaking of next semester....I'm taking (for sure) Organic Chem 2, Analytical Chem, and Precalc. And probably some gen ed that I throw in there to get an easy A. I'll be in lab 3 days a week next semester. So if you don't see me very much, I'll probably be in the library, hibernating, or dead. Just to be optimistic and all.
I'm really ready for this semester to be over. Actually, I'm really ready for this year to be over. This is not fun. College is supposed to be fun right? But you know, I'm learning a lot about myself. And about other people. But I guess that's what college is all about....
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Hello!
School has been lovely. I'm incredibly tired physically, mentally and emotionally. But it's been alright.
I'm a lot more optimistic about this year than I was a couple weeks ago. I don't give a shit about anything anymore. I'm here to do a job, and that is to graduate. And that is what I'm going to do. So I don't give a shit about your drama. :P
And btw, Bow Wow is on the Tyra Banks show right now, and DAYYYM he is fine. I would like one for Christmas this year. But only if he'll sing to me. Well, actually, I'll take anyone who'll sing to me haha :P so get on that!
Aaaaaand that's all I've got. My precalc quiz tomorrow can kiss my ass because I don't care.
Goodnight :)
I'm a lot more optimistic about this year than I was a couple weeks ago. I don't give a shit about anything anymore. I'm here to do a job, and that is to graduate. And that is what I'm going to do. So I don't give a shit about your drama. :P
And btw, Bow Wow is on the Tyra Banks show right now, and DAYYYM he is fine. I would like one for Christmas this year. But only if he'll sing to me. Well, actually, I'll take anyone who'll sing to me haha :P so get on that!
Aaaaaand that's all I've got. My precalc quiz tomorrow can kiss my ass because I don't care.
Goodnight :)
Friday, August 14, 2009
Oh hey :)
“In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.”
Amen.
So I leave for school Sunday. I'm absolutely pumped about it :) The last week before I leave is always the worst. But I'm still sad to go. I'm going to miss my friends oodles and oodles. I already do :/
BUT. I'm very excited to get back to school and get a routine. I'm super pumped for APO this semester! :D And I'm soooooooooo excited for Kim to come back!! Plus, my girl Carolyn from home is coming to school at Lindenhood this year. She's super nervous, but super excited too :) And I'm so glad she'll be there!! :D
That's really it for now. Not much is going on. It's been pretty lame around here.
OH! I entered that modeling contest and I'll know the results at the beginning of September. So pumped!! :D
Amen.
So I leave for school Sunday. I'm absolutely pumped about it :) The last week before I leave is always the worst. But I'm still sad to go. I'm going to miss my friends oodles and oodles. I already do :/
BUT. I'm very excited to get back to school and get a routine. I'm super pumped for APO this semester! :D And I'm soooooooooo excited for Kim to come back!! Plus, my girl Carolyn from home is coming to school at Lindenhood this year. She's super nervous, but super excited too :) And I'm so glad she'll be there!! :D
That's really it for now. Not much is going on. It's been pretty lame around here.
OH! I entered that modeling contest and I'll know the results at the beginning of September. So pumped!! :D
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Blah
I had a really awesome emotional breakdown yesterday. Really. It was great.
1) I was hardcore pms-ing. Like, I was getting upset and crying over everything.
2) My friends were pissing me off. They were being obnoxious during the movie we were watching. And Carolyn has been pushing my buttons lately about some things that she really didn't need to worry about. It's my thing, I'll deal with it. And I did, sorry if she didn't like the result.
3) My mom canceled on me AGAIN. We were supposed to go school supply shopping this afternoon, but she called me yesterday and said we'd need to reschedule AGAIN. That was kind of my breaking point. She always cancels on me and I couldn't really handle it anymore.
On the bright side:
The biggest secret I've been hiding from my dad and stepmom for the last year is now out in the open and everything is cool. They took it very well and my dad and I had a very awkward conversation. It was really great. But awkward. But good.
FOUR days until I move back to school and start Leadership camp :)
ELEVEN days until Kim moves back!!! :D
I'M SO STOKED!!!!!!
1) I was hardcore pms-ing. Like, I was getting upset and crying over everything.
2) My friends were pissing me off. They were being obnoxious during the movie we were watching. And Carolyn has been pushing my buttons lately about some things that she really didn't need to worry about. It's my thing, I'll deal with it. And I did, sorry if she didn't like the result.
3) My mom canceled on me AGAIN. We were supposed to go school supply shopping this afternoon, but she called me yesterday and said we'd need to reschedule AGAIN. That was kind of my breaking point. She always cancels on me and I couldn't really handle it anymore.
On the bright side:
The biggest secret I've been hiding from my dad and stepmom for the last year is now out in the open and everything is cool. They took it very well and my dad and I had a very awkward conversation. It was really great. But awkward. But good.
FOUR days until I move back to school and start Leadership camp :)
ELEVEN days until Kim moves back!!! :D
I'M SO STOKED!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Good morning!
Today will be a lovely day :)
It started with a little tension, but I think it's better now :)
Going to see Funny People with Alex at 12:40. I am very pumped. I really want to see this movie :)
Then going to the lake tonight with Carolyn, Kristen, Megan, Ben, his brother Alex, and possibly Nate and Alex. I am also very pumped about this. I love my friends! And Carolyn and I leave for Lindenhood in 2 weeks! :D SO EXCITED!!!!! :D
It started with a little tension, but I think it's better now :)
Going to see Funny People with Alex at 12:40. I am very pumped. I really want to see this movie :)
Then going to the lake tonight with Carolyn, Kristen, Megan, Ben, his brother Alex, and possibly Nate and Alex. I am also very pumped about this. I love my friends! And Carolyn and I leave for Lindenhood in 2 weeks! :D SO EXCITED!!!!! :D
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A whole new world
Aladdin is one of my favorite movies ever. I love this scene/song so much. My cousin and I used to stand on the area rug in my aunt's living room and sing this song. That was obviously a long time ago lol :) But I love this song. It makes me happy and gives me hope :)
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Minnesota Part Uno
So far family vacation has been pretty awesome. There's a big difference between sitting around at home doing nothing..and hanging out in Minnesota doing nothing :P I'm having a great time just hangin out!
Saturday we went to the Laura Ingles Wilder festival in Walnut Grove. It seems kind of lame, but it was pretty fun. My parents bought Hannah and I a bonnet, which we wore with pride! (Pics soon to follow)
Sunday we came to the resort (which isn't really a resort, but whatever lol). The room we have is more like an apartment. There's two bedrooms both with 2 queen beds, a living room, and a full kitchen. Plus we have our own deck, which is pretty sweet :)
Yesterday, we traveled (and got lost) to Bloomington to the Mall of America. We were only there for about 2 1/2 hours, but I got some shopping in :P. The point of going to the mall was so we could catch the transit and ride the train to the Metrodome for the Twins game. Which they won! :D (pics soon to follow also lol) Oh, and Joe Mauer is a sexy motherfucker. I would like one for Christmas plz :D lol
Today we're not doing much. Slept in late, did some laundry, just hanging out. We're thinking of going to the lake soon. But that's about it.
Yay being lazy :D It's a much needed break. Though I'm pretty excited about going back to school in a couple weeks! :)
Saturday we went to the Laura Ingles Wilder festival in Walnut Grove. It seems kind of lame, but it was pretty fun. My parents bought Hannah and I a bonnet, which we wore with pride! (Pics soon to follow)
Sunday we came to the resort (which isn't really a resort, but whatever lol). The room we have is more like an apartment. There's two bedrooms both with 2 queen beds, a living room, and a full kitchen. Plus we have our own deck, which is pretty sweet :)
Yesterday, we traveled (and got lost) to Bloomington to the Mall of America. We were only there for about 2 1/2 hours, but I got some shopping in :P. The point of going to the mall was so we could catch the transit and ride the train to the Metrodome for the Twins game. Which they won! :D (pics soon to follow also lol) Oh, and Joe Mauer is a sexy motherfucker. I would like one for Christmas plz :D lol
Today we're not doing much. Slept in late, did some laundry, just hanging out. We're thinking of going to the lake soon. But that's about it.
Yay being lazy :D It's a much needed break. Though I'm pretty excited about going back to school in a couple weeks! :)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tyler took my pictures today!
These are the pictures for the modelling contest I'm entering. All I needed was one headshot, but we decided we needed some options. These are my three favorites. The first b&w is the one I'm going to submit :)
Monday, July 20, 2009
Ugh
Why is it that when I'm in a great mood, there's always something to bring me down?
I had a good day of doing absolutely nothing, and I was in a good mood. And then there's that bang! of "fuck you ashley! you can't be happy! hahahaha!"
Fuck you life. You suck...
...until tomorrow when I'm hopefully in a better mood.
I had a good day of doing absolutely nothing, and I was in a good mood. And then there's that bang! of "fuck you ashley! you can't be happy! hahahaha!"
Fuck you life. You suck...
...until tomorrow when I'm hopefully in a better mood.
This summer is almost over...
Yet there is still so much to do!
I'm really excited to get back to school, but I'm very nervous as well. For many reasons, I might add. I think the more the advertise "Back to School" stuff..the less excited I get...weird.
Exciting news!!
My parents bought us pots and pans and some cooking utensils for the house Kim, Alysha, the two girls I don't know and I are living in next year!! I'm really excited!! It's several less things I have to worry about. The boxes were sitting in the living room all day and I didn't even notice them. When my dad got home he was like, "Did you see what we got you?!" And I was so excited!! I immediately called Kim and she was equally excited!! Things are finally coming together!! :D
Other exciting news!!
My parents are almost done with our kitchen remodel!!! The fridge got put in yesterday..but the countertop is about 3/4 an inch too long..so we can't push it all the way in place. So the countertop guy has to come back AGAIN to fix it (this will be the 3rd time. My parents aren't happy). Also, I have no idea where anything is in the new kitchen, and the silverware is still missing :P
In other news...
I had a very interesting dream last night..which I will not go into detail about on here because there are certain people who I don't want to know about it. But I think it was a really important dream for me to have. That sounds really lame, but I think it's going to make a big difference next year. It was rather eye-opening (not literally, Kim). But it was something I needed to see. And it makes me excited to go back to school :)
And that's about it. This week I have to go to the chiropractor tomorrow, early check-in on Wednesday, Tyler is taking my picture Thursday and Friday night my parents, sister and I leave for Minnesota for a week! I'm pretty excited about that. I'm ready to get out of here! :P
After the trip, there's only 2 weeks left of summer!! It will be filled with hanging with my friends, school supply shopping, and organizing all my crap from last semester that's still in milk crates and tubs in my room. I'm so excited!!! :D
I'm really excited to get back to school, but I'm very nervous as well. For many reasons, I might add. I think the more the advertise "Back to School" stuff..the less excited I get...weird.
Exciting news!!
My parents bought us pots and pans and some cooking utensils for the house Kim, Alysha, the two girls I don't know and I are living in next year!! I'm really excited!! It's several less things I have to worry about. The boxes were sitting in the living room all day and I didn't even notice them. When my dad got home he was like, "Did you see what we got you?!" And I was so excited!! I immediately called Kim and she was equally excited!! Things are finally coming together!! :D
Other exciting news!!
My parents are almost done with our kitchen remodel!!! The fridge got put in yesterday..but the countertop is about 3/4 an inch too long..so we can't push it all the way in place. So the countertop guy has to come back AGAIN to fix it (this will be the 3rd time. My parents aren't happy). Also, I have no idea where anything is in the new kitchen, and the silverware is still missing :P
In other news...
I had a very interesting dream last night..which I will not go into detail about on here because there are certain people who I don't want to know about it. But I think it was a really important dream for me to have. That sounds really lame, but I think it's going to make a big difference next year. It was rather eye-opening (not literally, Kim). But it was something I needed to see. And it makes me excited to go back to school :)
And that's about it. This week I have to go to the chiropractor tomorrow, early check-in on Wednesday, Tyler is taking my picture Thursday and Friday night my parents, sister and I leave for Minnesota for a week! I'm pretty excited about that. I'm ready to get out of here! :P
After the trip, there's only 2 weeks left of summer!! It will be filled with hanging with my friends, school supply shopping, and organizing all my crap from last semester that's still in milk crates and tubs in my room. I'm so excited!!! :D
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Keeping my sanity
Kim gave me suggestions!
Blog lots. Download/find new amazing music.
Text me.
Read new books :)
write/draw
make happy things happen
I cannot download music because I can't use my laptop because we still don't have to wi-fi up. (Thanks dad)
I do text you!
I have started rereading Harry Potter 7...which was much needed because I barely remember any of it..I read it in 4 days after it came out last year and haven't touched it since. I thought after seeing the 6th movie, I'd get caught up on what happens next :)
I'm a shame to the drawing world. And I can only write so much! :P
AND I am working on making happy things happen :D
(Thank you Kim!:D)
Tomorrow, I have to journey to the other side of town to Carolyn's house where Alex and Nate will help me load the sleeper sofa into my father's SUV and will reloacte it to my garage until move-in day (August 16th). After that, I'm planning on making a small pit stop at Wal-Mart and Hobby Lobby (for some crafy things!) after dropping off the boys.
VERY EXCITING NEWS! :D
I recieved an email this morning from Torrid.com informing me of a modeling contest opportunity. I'm not sure how much exposure or whatnot this will get me if I win, but it's worth a shot! All I have to do is fill out an entry form with a bunch of silly questions (which I will answer with my amazing wit and charm which will surely secure me a winning spot) and a headshot.
My dear childhood friend Tyler (who is a fantastic photographer) has agreed to take a couple pictures of me next week so that we can choose which is the best to send in. And I will send everything in before I leave for Minnesota a week from tomorrow.
It's kind of a long shot, but I'm a full figured young hip beautiful woman. So why not?! I've got nothing to lose but money for postage. And if I win, I get a free trip to LA, a make up consultation, and a photoshoot. So hells yeah!
Blog lots. Download/find new amazing music.
Text me.
Read new books :)
write/draw
make happy things happen
I cannot download music because I can't use my laptop because we still don't have to wi-fi up. (Thanks dad)
I do text you!
I have started rereading Harry Potter 7...which was much needed because I barely remember any of it..I read it in 4 days after it came out last year and haven't touched it since. I thought after seeing the 6th movie, I'd get caught up on what happens next :)
I'm a shame to the drawing world. And I can only write so much! :P
AND I am working on making happy things happen :D
(Thank you Kim!:D)
Tomorrow, I have to journey to the other side of town to Carolyn's house where Alex and Nate will help me load the sleeper sofa into my father's SUV and will reloacte it to my garage until move-in day (August 16th). After that, I'm planning on making a small pit stop at Wal-Mart and Hobby Lobby (for some crafy things!) after dropping off the boys.
VERY EXCITING NEWS! :D
I recieved an email this morning from Torrid.com informing me of a modeling contest opportunity. I'm not sure how much exposure or whatnot this will get me if I win, but it's worth a shot! All I have to do is fill out an entry form with a bunch of silly questions (which I will answer with my amazing wit and charm which will surely secure me a winning spot) and a headshot.
My dear childhood friend Tyler (who is a fantastic photographer) has agreed to take a couple pictures of me next week so that we can choose which is the best to send in. And I will send everything in before I leave for Minnesota a week from tomorrow.
It's kind of a long shot, but I'm a full figured young hip beautiful woman. So why not?! I've got nothing to lose but money for postage. And if I win, I get a free trip to LA, a make up consultation, and a photoshoot. So hells yeah!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Boo
My summer has consisted of a whole lot of nothing. Which I guess I kind of expected. Summer school took out a good chunk. And having no job leads to a whole lot of sitting around doing nothing all day.
I NEED SOMETHING TO DO.
My school friends are busy doing more exciting things at home. My home friends and I barely talk anymore because they're all always at work.
BOO.
I need a hobby. Something to do to keep me from going absolutely insane for this last month.
OMG. There's a month left. :D :D :D :D make that 3 weeks. I'm going to Minnesota for a week the week after next. God I need to get out of here. Or I need to find something to do!!!
I'm so pathetic.
I NEED SOMETHING TO DO.
My school friends are busy doing more exciting things at home. My home friends and I barely talk anymore because they're all always at work.
BOO.
I need a hobby. Something to do to keep me from going absolutely insane for this last month.
OMG. There's a month left. :D :D :D :D make that 3 weeks. I'm going to Minnesota for a week the week after next. God I need to get out of here. Or I need to find something to do!!!
I'm so pathetic.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
It was God
Growing up, my parents always made me go to church. I went every Sunday with them, and from grades 7-12, I went to youth group on Wednesdays. And it was just a thing that I did. I had friends there, but I didn't really mix my church/school/home lives. I wasn't a crazy bible thumper who was all "YOU NEED JESUS!", but I had beliefs and I liked going.
Two weeks before graduation, my youth pastor announced to us that he was leaving the church because he felt called to do so. It was really hard on me. Mike and I were really close and he had helped me through a lot of hard times. Before tonight, I hadn't talked to him since my birthday a year ago.
I'm not a church-going person anymore. I got sick of the hypocritical people and my parents forcing me to go to church. I believe what I believe and I don't feel the need to shove it down other peoples throats. So yeah, that's why I don't go to church.
Anyway, the point of this is that I talked to Mike tonight. (His name is Mike Rapp..so we just called him MyCrap :P...the old southern baptist women LOVED that..not.) Yeah, so tomorrow, a friend of our family is getting married and tonight, my parents hosted the rehearsal dinner for her. I was standing in line for the bathroom and a phone on the table next to me started ringing. I didn't know who's it was, but I looked to see who was calling so I could answer and give the phone to that person. I looked at the phone and it said none other than "Mike Rapp". I thought 'Why not? I know him, it's not weird.' So I answered the phone. He didn't know who I was at first, but I told him it was me and he sounded surprised and excited to hear from me at the same time. We chatted for a bit, I told him where I go to school and my major (he asked if I was serious then suggested therapy lol). Then I asked who he'd called for and he said Jill, and I told him I'd take the phone to her, but he said "No! I'm talking to you right now!"
We ended up talking and catching up for about half an hour. He asked about school and such, and we talked about his new job. Then he asked about the guys in my life. And I told him the most recent situation which hasn't been all that great. Mike has always seen something in me that I have never been able to see for myself. He doesn't know any of the guys I've dated, but he knows by the way that I've been hurt that I have been giving in too easily. He said "Pretend you're a piece of furniture. You want a guy to want to pay $10,000 for you. Not $10. The $10 guys aren't in it for real. They just want something easy and not really meaningful. But the guys who are willing to spend $10,000 to get you are the real thing. You know that he really cares and he's worth it."
I've been dating $10 guys. I'm so afraid that I'm not going to get what I really want and what I'm really looking for that I just give up and deal with what I can get. I'm not saying that I just "dealt" with the last guy I dated. But I gave into a lot of things that he did. He's not what I really want. There's not chivalry there. He wanted what was easy to handle, and when I got tired of it, he freaked. But when he got tired of it, it was magically okay. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good person with a good heart and I deserve a great guy who wants to give me the world. Someone who really wants to be with me. Who wants a real relationship and who isn't afraid to kiss me goodbye in front of his friends, or hold my hand in public or change his damn facebook status. A guy who doesn't change his mind about me every 3 weeks. I DON'T DESERVE THAT.
I'm a good person. I'm beautiful and strong willed and smart. I need a guy who will love me for those things. Not just ignore them.
Anyway, talking to Mike made me realize a lot of things about myself. That I do deserve the best, and I shouldn't settle for someone who's going to change his mind every 5 seconds. It's really hard because I'm a really impatient person, but I know in the end, it'll be worth the wait.
Also, Mike asked me "If he dropped the girl and came back to you, apologized for everything and said he only wanted you, would you go back to him?" And I said no. My heart can't and won't take it anymore. This experience has sucked, but it's what I needed to realize that I'm a great person who deserves great things. And I'm only 19! There's plenty of time for greatness! :)
And finally, one thing that Mike said to me was this. He said "I know it was God who had you answer the phone tonight". I may not be all "OMG GOD", but I believe it was meant to be that I answered the phone. It was a much needed talk with an old friend. He's helped me so much in the past, and here he is, still giving me advice and telling me exactly what I need to hear. And I am so thankful for that.
Two weeks before graduation, my youth pastor announced to us that he was leaving the church because he felt called to do so. It was really hard on me. Mike and I were really close and he had helped me through a lot of hard times. Before tonight, I hadn't talked to him since my birthday a year ago.
I'm not a church-going person anymore. I got sick of the hypocritical people and my parents forcing me to go to church. I believe what I believe and I don't feel the need to shove it down other peoples throats. So yeah, that's why I don't go to church.
Anyway, the point of this is that I talked to Mike tonight. (His name is Mike Rapp..so we just called him MyCrap :P...the old southern baptist women LOVED that..not.) Yeah, so tomorrow, a friend of our family is getting married and tonight, my parents hosted the rehearsal dinner for her. I was standing in line for the bathroom and a phone on the table next to me started ringing. I didn't know who's it was, but I looked to see who was calling so I could answer and give the phone to that person. I looked at the phone and it said none other than "Mike Rapp". I thought 'Why not? I know him, it's not weird.' So I answered the phone. He didn't know who I was at first, but I told him it was me and he sounded surprised and excited to hear from me at the same time. We chatted for a bit, I told him where I go to school and my major (he asked if I was serious then suggested therapy lol). Then I asked who he'd called for and he said Jill, and I told him I'd take the phone to her, but he said "No! I'm talking to you right now!"
We ended up talking and catching up for about half an hour. He asked about school and such, and we talked about his new job. Then he asked about the guys in my life. And I told him the most recent situation which hasn't been all that great. Mike has always seen something in me that I have never been able to see for myself. He doesn't know any of the guys I've dated, but he knows by the way that I've been hurt that I have been giving in too easily. He said "Pretend you're a piece of furniture. You want a guy to want to pay $10,000 for you. Not $10. The $10 guys aren't in it for real. They just want something easy and not really meaningful. But the guys who are willing to spend $10,000 to get you are the real thing. You know that he really cares and he's worth it."
I've been dating $10 guys. I'm so afraid that I'm not going to get what I really want and what I'm really looking for that I just give up and deal with what I can get. I'm not saying that I just "dealt" with the last guy I dated. But I gave into a lot of things that he did. He's not what I really want. There's not chivalry there. He wanted what was easy to handle, and when I got tired of it, he freaked. But when he got tired of it, it was magically okay. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good person with a good heart and I deserve a great guy who wants to give me the world. Someone who really wants to be with me. Who wants a real relationship and who isn't afraid to kiss me goodbye in front of his friends, or hold my hand in public or change his damn facebook status. A guy who doesn't change his mind about me every 3 weeks. I DON'T DESERVE THAT.
I'm a good person. I'm beautiful and strong willed and smart. I need a guy who will love me for those things. Not just ignore them.
Anyway, talking to Mike made me realize a lot of things about myself. That I do deserve the best, and I shouldn't settle for someone who's going to change his mind every 5 seconds. It's really hard because I'm a really impatient person, but I know in the end, it'll be worth the wait.
Also, Mike asked me "If he dropped the girl and came back to you, apologized for everything and said he only wanted you, would you go back to him?" And I said no. My heart can't and won't take it anymore. This experience has sucked, but it's what I needed to realize that I'm a great person who deserves great things. And I'm only 19! There's plenty of time for greatness! :)
And finally, one thing that Mike said to me was this. He said "I know it was God who had you answer the phone tonight". I may not be all "OMG GOD", but I believe it was meant to be that I answered the phone. It was a much needed talk with an old friend. He's helped me so much in the past, and here he is, still giving me advice and telling me exactly what I need to hear. And I am so thankful for that.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Things are looking up!
Today was a pretty good day! With the exception of Hannah waking me up every half an hour to inform me of what time it was and I should get out of bed. Thanks brat. But she's 8, and she's my little sister and I love her:)
I'm Hannah-sitting all week, so I get to have all kinds of funnnn. Today we went to the pool! I've never gone to the pool with just me and her, so I was a little overprotective at first. Then I realized that all the other children around me were her age or younger, and their parents were just hanging out in the chairs on the side. So I asked if she'd be okay to swim by herself and she laughed at me:P I layed out for about an hour, which was very relaxing (and much needed).
After the pool, we went to Central Dairy! The best ice cream place everrrr. Alex met us there, and I bought him ice cream. He'd had a bad day at work, and he's one of my best friends, so I figured I should be nice to him:P
Then we came home, and here I am :P
After the past couple of days, it's been hard to bounce back. It's only day two, and it's still hard, but I'm doing alright. I'm really optimistic about the rest of the summer and the school year. Now I just have to be patient..something I'm not very good at! :P
I'm Hannah-sitting all week, so I get to have all kinds of funnnn. Today we went to the pool! I've never gone to the pool with just me and her, so I was a little overprotective at first. Then I realized that all the other children around me were her age or younger, and their parents were just hanging out in the chairs on the side. So I asked if she'd be okay to swim by herself and she laughed at me:P I layed out for about an hour, which was very relaxing (and much needed).
After the pool, we went to Central Dairy! The best ice cream place everrrr. Alex met us there, and I bought him ice cream. He'd had a bad day at work, and he's one of my best friends, so I figured I should be nice to him:P
Then we came home, and here I am :P
After the past couple of days, it's been hard to bounce back. It's only day two, and it's still hard, but I'm doing alright. I'm really optimistic about the rest of the summer and the school year. Now I just have to be patient..something I'm not very good at! :P
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
It's over.
For good. No more chances. This was the last straw. I've given so much of myself in the last several months, and it didn't matter.
I'm sorry that I couldn't make you happy enough.
I'm sorry that I couldn't make you happy enough.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Meh
I'm hurt.
And I'm tired of being hurt.
You promised it wouldn't be like this this tmie.
I just want the truth.
I don't think that's too much to ask.
And I think after everything, I deserve that much.
Stop being a coward.
Please.
And I'm tired of being hurt.
You promised it wouldn't be like this this tmie.
I just want the truth.
I don't think that's too much to ask.
And I think after everything, I deserve that much.
Stop being a coward.
Please.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
What is this thing we call family?
Is it the thing we're sometimes unfortunately born into? Or the people who love us? I think it's kind of a mixture of both.
There are a lot of people in my life who I consider "family". My parents got divorced when I was 7 and both remarried when I was 9. That gives me 4 "families". But although all of those people are now technically my "family", I don't consider them actually family.
I've always been relatively close to my mom's side of the family. They're all hypocrites and bitches, but I grew up with them and have spent more time with them than any other side. Though I really feel like they're family, it's more like a "Christmas family". I only see and talk to them on Christmas. And there's always a fight because my Aunt Sue feels like my mother is a horrible person for breaking up the family and now my sister Jackie and I are these terrible charity cases. And she treats my mom like shit, but my mom won't say anything because she has too much pride. (It's kind of a vicious cycle.) But I'm not close to anyone in this group of people at all. I get a birthday card every year, but that's about it. Communication pretty much stops there.
My dad's side of the family, on the other hand, is much smaller and much more civil. We usually meet for Thanksgiving (or Christmas, depending on which parent has us for what holiday). Things go well, my dad's only sister and her husband and 2 children are super sweet. I'm not as close to them as my mom's side, so I feel weird talking to them if my dad isn't around. But we do chat occasionally throughout the year.
My stepmom's family = Lisa's parents had 10 kids. Each kid was married and has at least 2-3 children. Some of them have children. I get lost in the mix. I don't even know everyone's name. Most of them don't know me. I don't really consider that much of a family.
Then there's my stepdad's family. He has a brother and a sister, both married with children. My transition into becoming part of this family was very rocky. My grandma kind of rejected us because we weren't her own. And my Aunt Leesa rejected my mother because she was afraid she would hurt her brother. However, after many years and fights, this group of people love me more than the woman who's been married to my father for the last 10 years. My Uncle David would do anything for me. He's threatened to beat the shit out of any guy I've ever dated if they hurt me. Ever. And he's made this threat many times...he's in Iraq right now, so no need to shake in your boots. Til he comes home. Aunt Leesa is such a great woman. She loves me so much and actually treats me like I'm a member of her family. Grandma finally learned to love Jackie and I. I'd never cried so much at a funeral as I did at hers. I'm tearing up just writing about it. She was all of 5 feet tall and she could scare her full grown military sons. And the best part was that she loved me. My grandpa loves me. Everytime he sees me he says "Keep your powder dry while you're up at school, missy!" Oh grandpa... Anyway. I was not born into this family, but they love me like I'm their own. My stepdad more than anyone. I'm his baby. I think he would die if anything happened to me. I love him so much too.
I know families aren't perfect. And mine is far from it. There have been so many fights and threats, and so many tears. But I know who loves me. And those people are my family. And those are the people who I want to surround myself with.
There are a lot of people in my life who I consider "family". My parents got divorced when I was 7 and both remarried when I was 9. That gives me 4 "families". But although all of those people are now technically my "family", I don't consider them actually family.
I've always been relatively close to my mom's side of the family. They're all hypocrites and bitches, but I grew up with them and have spent more time with them than any other side. Though I really feel like they're family, it's more like a "Christmas family". I only see and talk to them on Christmas. And there's always a fight because my Aunt Sue feels like my mother is a horrible person for breaking up the family and now my sister Jackie and I are these terrible charity cases. And she treats my mom like shit, but my mom won't say anything because she has too much pride. (It's kind of a vicious cycle.) But I'm not close to anyone in this group of people at all. I get a birthday card every year, but that's about it. Communication pretty much stops there.
My dad's side of the family, on the other hand, is much smaller and much more civil. We usually meet for Thanksgiving (or Christmas, depending on which parent has us for what holiday). Things go well, my dad's only sister and her husband and 2 children are super sweet. I'm not as close to them as my mom's side, so I feel weird talking to them if my dad isn't around. But we do chat occasionally throughout the year.
My stepmom's family = Lisa's parents had 10 kids. Each kid was married and has at least 2-3 children. Some of them have children. I get lost in the mix. I don't even know everyone's name. Most of them don't know me. I don't really consider that much of a family.
Then there's my stepdad's family. He has a brother and a sister, both married with children. My transition into becoming part of this family was very rocky. My grandma kind of rejected us because we weren't her own. And my Aunt Leesa rejected my mother because she was afraid she would hurt her brother. However, after many years and fights, this group of people love me more than the woman who's been married to my father for the last 10 years. My Uncle David would do anything for me. He's threatened to beat the shit out of any guy I've ever dated if they hurt me. Ever. And he's made this threat many times...he's in Iraq right now, so no need to shake in your boots. Til he comes home. Aunt Leesa is such a great woman. She loves me so much and actually treats me like I'm a member of her family. Grandma finally learned to love Jackie and I. I'd never cried so much at a funeral as I did at hers. I'm tearing up just writing about it. She was all of 5 feet tall and she could scare her full grown military sons. And the best part was that she loved me. My grandpa loves me. Everytime he sees me he says "Keep your powder dry while you're up at school, missy!" Oh grandpa... Anyway. I was not born into this family, but they love me like I'm their own. My stepdad more than anyone. I'm his baby. I think he would die if anything happened to me. I love him so much too.
I know families aren't perfect. And mine is far from it. There have been so many fights and threats, and so many tears. But I know who loves me. And those people are my family. And those are the people who I want to surround myself with.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Everything is changing
Yeah i know. Great title right? Changes happen, I'm aware.
But everything's changing. Faster than I thought it would. Home doesn't even feel like home anymore. My best friend and I never talk. We've hung out once since I've been home. I don't even feel close to my friends here anymore. I hung out with Alex yesterday and it was so weird. It was like nothing's changed, but everything has. There's no special feelings there anymore. We just walked around Blockbuster for 30 minutes (okay, the two most indecisive people in the world trying to pick a movie and taking foreverrrrrr..that hasn't changed). Then went to his house and watched it. And then I went home. It sounds simple, but it's so much different than a year ago! Those of you who read this don't even understand. It's a change, but a necessary one. We're both better off this way. He's still one of my best friends, but things will never be the same. They haven't been after the Cassie-incident. But whatever. We both moved on, and I want to believe that the guy I've fallen for over the last couple of months is different. I know he is. I just wish he would call me. Alex may be a sore subject, but he's still my friend and he'll always be there for me no matter what. I guess that part hasn't changed.
Another change: my house. My parents hate this house, but they can't move due to crappy housing market. So instead, they're changing it. Which is almost as bad. First, they bought a new microwave. Not just any microwave. But one that goes over the stove. Like, they moved it to the other side of the kitchen. It may not seem like a lot, but it really freaked me out. Then they redid their bedroom. FINALLY painted it (after 10 years)and redid their bathroom. That's kinda weird for me, but I rarely go to that end of our house, so it's really not that big of a deal.
The real kicker is the kitchen. They started construction the day after I got home from summer school. It was really great waking up at 8am to power tools, let me tell ya. Not really. Anyway, it's pretty close to being done now. New cabinets, colors, floors, light fixtures, fridge. Everything. And I mean, literally, everything. Except like, the other appliances. It's so different and it doesn't even feel like my kitchen anymore. The hardwood floor isn't in yet, and the countertops don't come for 2 more weeks. Don't get me wrong, it's going to look pretty freakin sweet when it's all done. It's just different. New. After 10 years of living in this house, my parents are changing everything! When they're done with the kitchen, they're moving onto the carpeting in the rest of the house! Then tearing down the pannelling in the basement and putting up drywall and insulation and stuff. UGH. It's not even my home anymore.
Jefferson City/Holts Summit, MO is not my home anymore. My friends and I have nothing in common. I'm the only one, which the exception of Brandon who is in SC for the Marines, who went farther away than 30 miles to go to school. I'm the outlier (damn you biostat). This place isn't for me anymore. I need to go back to school. But even then, everything will be different. Kim and I will be living together in a house (yay!). Cory will probably be a-wall all semester again. David will still be around (I hope). God only knows what will happen with me and Paul.
I don't know what next year has in store for me. With relationships, APO, school. I don't know what the hell is going to happen. But I'm ready for it to be here so I can find out.
But everything's changing. Faster than I thought it would. Home doesn't even feel like home anymore. My best friend and I never talk. We've hung out once since I've been home. I don't even feel close to my friends here anymore. I hung out with Alex yesterday and it was so weird. It was like nothing's changed, but everything has. There's no special feelings there anymore. We just walked around Blockbuster for 30 minutes (okay, the two most indecisive people in the world trying to pick a movie and taking foreverrrrrr..that hasn't changed). Then went to his house and watched it. And then I went home. It sounds simple, but it's so much different than a year ago! Those of you who read this don't even understand. It's a change, but a necessary one. We're both better off this way. He's still one of my best friends, but things will never be the same. They haven't been after the Cassie-incident. But whatever. We both moved on, and I want to believe that the guy I've fallen for over the last couple of months is different. I know he is. I just wish he would call me. Alex may be a sore subject, but he's still my friend and he'll always be there for me no matter what. I guess that part hasn't changed.
Another change: my house. My parents hate this house, but they can't move due to crappy housing market. So instead, they're changing it. Which is almost as bad. First, they bought a new microwave. Not just any microwave. But one that goes over the stove. Like, they moved it to the other side of the kitchen. It may not seem like a lot, but it really freaked me out. Then they redid their bedroom. FINALLY painted it (after 10 years)and redid their bathroom. That's kinda weird for me, but I rarely go to that end of our house, so it's really not that big of a deal.
The real kicker is the kitchen. They started construction the day after I got home from summer school. It was really great waking up at 8am to power tools, let me tell ya. Not really. Anyway, it's pretty close to being done now. New cabinets, colors, floors, light fixtures, fridge. Everything. And I mean, literally, everything. Except like, the other appliances. It's so different and it doesn't even feel like my kitchen anymore. The hardwood floor isn't in yet, and the countertops don't come for 2 more weeks. Don't get me wrong, it's going to look pretty freakin sweet when it's all done. It's just different. New. After 10 years of living in this house, my parents are changing everything! When they're done with the kitchen, they're moving onto the carpeting in the rest of the house! Then tearing down the pannelling in the basement and putting up drywall and insulation and stuff. UGH. It's not even my home anymore.
Jefferson City/Holts Summit, MO is not my home anymore. My friends and I have nothing in common. I'm the only one, which the exception of Brandon who is in SC for the Marines, who went farther away than 30 miles to go to school. I'm the outlier (damn you biostat). This place isn't for me anymore. I need to go back to school. But even then, everything will be different. Kim and I will be living together in a house (yay!). Cory will probably be a-wall all semester again. David will still be around (I hope). God only knows what will happen with me and Paul.
I don't know what next year has in store for me. With relationships, APO, school. I don't know what the hell is going to happen. But I'm ready for it to be here so I can find out.
Monday, June 29, 2009
I waste a lot of time.
There's so many things I want to do with my life, but I always find reasons for not doing them.
1)Money is a big issue. I have some, not a lot, but some, but I'm so stingy. And I HATE asking for money.
2)I can't get the motivation to just do it.
3)I don't think I can actually do something. I'm too young, it'll eventually happen, blah blah blah
4)Lack of confidence
These are reasons I suck at life.
However! Reasons I don't suck at life:
1)I know what I really want to do with my life.
2)There's this guy..
3)I have amazing friends
I feel like one of these days I'm just going to go off the deep end and just do something crazy. And I'm totally looking forward to it.
I'm fully aware that I'm kind of boring. I'm safe. I don't like to travel outside of my comfort zone. Going to Harvard last weekend was a big step for me. It was completely out of the blue and it was amazing. I had such a blast and I am so happy that I went! :)
But I fully intend on changing that boring-ness about me. You like me the way I am? I'll still be the same, just not so safe anymore. I'm gonna buckle down and do whatever the fuck I want. Jesus, I'm 19 and have like, virtually nothing to show with what I've done. So I'm going to do something. I just don't know what yet.
I'll keep you posted.
1)Money is a big issue. I have some, not a lot, but some, but I'm so stingy. And I HATE asking for money.
2)I can't get the motivation to just do it.
3)I don't think I can actually do something. I'm too young, it'll eventually happen, blah blah blah
4)Lack of confidence
These are reasons I suck at life.
However! Reasons I don't suck at life:
1)I know what I really want to do with my life.
2)There's this guy..
3)I have amazing friends
I feel like one of these days I'm just going to go off the deep end and just do something crazy. And I'm totally looking forward to it.
I'm fully aware that I'm kind of boring. I'm safe. I don't like to travel outside of my comfort zone. Going to Harvard last weekend was a big step for me. It was completely out of the blue and it was amazing. I had such a blast and I am so happy that I went! :)
But I fully intend on changing that boring-ness about me. You like me the way I am? I'll still be the same, just not so safe anymore. I'm gonna buckle down and do whatever the fuck I want. Jesus, I'm 19 and have like, virtually nothing to show with what I've done. So I'm going to do something. I just don't know what yet.
I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I'm soooo happy to be home!! :)
It's been great seeing my family and home friends:) and being able to sleep in my own bed!
However! Tomorrow at 10am, my daddy is taking me to the Jefferson City Amtrak Station and my journey to Chicago begins!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! 3 solid days with my bff kim! and 2 solid days of train rides! YAY!
There will be super awesome details when I get back :)
P.S. My sisters cat is sitting next to me on the couch. He has some really bad nasal issues and gets congested..poor kitty:/
See you after Chicago!! :D
However! Tomorrow at 10am, my daddy is taking me to the Jefferson City Amtrak Station and my journey to Chicago begins!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! 3 solid days with my bff kim! and 2 solid days of train rides! YAY!
There will be super awesome details when I get back :)
P.S. My sisters cat is sitting next to me on the couch. He has some really bad nasal issues and gets congested..poor kitty:/
See you after Chicago!! :D
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Summer School Day 3
IT'S ONLY DAY 3!
:p
After the hellacious issues with move in day Sunday, I pretty much expected this to be the worst four weeks of my life.
And after a hysterically crying phone call to my dad on Monday night, I'm doing okay. Living alone in my house kinda sucks, and I'm still a little paranoid. But I was able to sleep without my cookie monster lamp on for most of the night last night! :) (though I still had the living room lamp on, but I'm working on it lol)
The work n learn kind of sucks, but there's a bunch of people in my group who are pretty cool, so that helps :) Today we scrubbed the grout in the music building lobby....it was black this morning..now it's beige lol. That only took like 4 hours. It was rough, but fun!
My class is alright. It's world history. Whatever:p
I don't like to be alone. I like my alone time, but this is a little more than what I had in mind. I've never lived on my own before. The most I've dealt with was when my parents and little sister went to Arkansas last summer for a week and I had to stay home because I was scheduled to work one effing day. But even then, I slept on the couch upstairs the whole week...So Idk. I'm getting used to being here and being independent. But it's hard, and I'm still scared. I miss all my school friends. I'm making friends here but I'm not a big fan of the unknown. I think I'll be alright, it's just taking time. It's interesting to say the least:p
Only 3 1/2 weeks left!
:p
After the hellacious issues with move in day Sunday, I pretty much expected this to be the worst four weeks of my life.
And after a hysterically crying phone call to my dad on Monday night, I'm doing okay. Living alone in my house kinda sucks, and I'm still a little paranoid. But I was able to sleep without my cookie monster lamp on for most of the night last night! :) (though I still had the living room lamp on, but I'm working on it lol)
The work n learn kind of sucks, but there's a bunch of people in my group who are pretty cool, so that helps :) Today we scrubbed the grout in the music building lobby....it was black this morning..now it's beige lol. That only took like 4 hours. It was rough, but fun!
My class is alright. It's world history. Whatever:p
I don't like to be alone. I like my alone time, but this is a little more than what I had in mind. I've never lived on my own before. The most I've dealt with was when my parents and little sister went to Arkansas last summer for a week and I had to stay home because I was scheduled to work one effing day. But even then, I slept on the couch upstairs the whole week...So Idk. I'm getting used to being here and being independent. But it's hard, and I'm still scared. I miss all my school friends. I'm making friends here but I'm not a big fan of the unknown. I think I'll be alright, it's just taking time. It's interesting to say the least:p
Only 3 1/2 weeks left!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Love me or leave me.
i just had the best birthday in the entire world. i love my friends so much. the ones here and those from home. i miss my girls from home, but i know at the same time i've got the best of friends here as well. i love them all.
on a less happy note, i hate this feeling of not knowing what's going to happen. it scares me. i dont like being scared. especially about this. stop playing with my heart. i know what i want. and either let me have it or leave me alone. this changing your mind shit is going to either kill me or drive me crazy. neither of which i particularly want to deal with.
oh hey, i'm 19. that's not that exciting but i feel older just saying it. i can't do anything special at 19, but i feel like a real college student now:p all my friends from high school who are graduating this year and just turned 18 made me feel really young...but now i feel old:p
i love college. i love lindenwood. it's annoying but anywhere would be annoying. i love my friends here. kim is my best friend here and i dont know what i'd do without her. probably go crazy..(and we cant have that:p).
now i'm just rambling. there's so much on my mind and i dont know what to do. boo.
<3, Ash
on a less happy note, i hate this feeling of not knowing what's going to happen. it scares me. i dont like being scared. especially about this. stop playing with my heart. i know what i want. and either let me have it or leave me alone. this changing your mind shit is going to either kill me or drive me crazy. neither of which i particularly want to deal with.
oh hey, i'm 19. that's not that exciting but i feel older just saying it. i can't do anything special at 19, but i feel like a real college student now:p all my friends from high school who are graduating this year and just turned 18 made me feel really young...but now i feel old:p
i love college. i love lindenwood. it's annoying but anywhere would be annoying. i love my friends here. kim is my best friend here and i dont know what i'd do without her. probably go crazy..(and we cant have that:p).
now i'm just rambling. there's so much on my mind and i dont know what to do. boo.
<3, Ash
Sunday, April 26, 2009
It's SUNDAY!
Tonight is the pledge activation! We're activating 9 new brothers and I'm super excited :D
My crazy ass week is OVER. And now I can chill. I'm very excited :) I'm in such a better mood and I love it :D
My crazy ass week is OVER. And now I can chill. I'm very excited :) I'm in such a better mood and I love it :D
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
This week is going to be hell...
Monday: Class all day, 2 homework assignments due:/
Tuesday: Canned Food Drive 10-4, Biostat test, APO meeting at 7, Pledge Discussion at 10
Wednesday: Class all day, Chemistry test, Chem homework due
Thursday: Class until 1, LGC Recess until 4
Friday: Class most of the day, "The Shave That Saves" 11-5, 2 performances that night, Psychology homework due
Saturday: Cleaning the trail with APO (may opt out of that one...), Pledge Service event at 2
Sunday: SLEEP, Activation at 8
Good Lord. At some point I hope to eat, sleep, and see my friends. But we'll see:/
Tuesday: Canned Food Drive 10-4, Biostat test, APO meeting at 7, Pledge Discussion at 10
Wednesday: Class all day, Chemistry test, Chem homework due
Thursday: Class until 1, LGC Recess until 4
Friday: Class most of the day, "The Shave That Saves" 11-5, 2 performances that night, Psychology homework due
Saturday: Cleaning the trail with APO (may opt out of that one...), Pledge Service event at 2
Sunday: SLEEP, Activation at 8
Good Lord. At some point I hope to eat, sleep, and see my friends. But we'll see:/
Monday, April 13, 2009
AND I've decided
The rest of the semester, I'm going to focus on getting my chem grade up. I can't afford the grade that I have, and I'm going to dedicate the rest of the semester to get it up. So I'll probably be somewhat of a hermit. And/or studying a lot. Yay college!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Today is the first day of April
Holy hell this year is already going by so fast...It's almost scary. Where the hell is the time going!? It's crazy.
I realized today that I am hopeless. I know what I want and I'm too afraid to really go for it. (not you, it's a future thing). I love Chemistry. People cringe when I say that, but for some reason, it's the only thing I've ever really really understood. And that scares the shit out of me lol. I don't have a fall back. There's nothing else like chem, so if I can't do it, I'm kinda screwed. I know I want to be a chemist and work in a lab, and eventually own my own lab or run my own company with a lab..or whatever lol (thus the Business minor). But I'm so afraid of my future workload. I was never the smart daughter. I've always been the one who needs extra help. On the flip side, I've always been the most dedicated. I've always done my homework and gone to class. And I will continue to work my ass off until I get what I want. (aka, a degree in chemistry...i hope:p)
Aaaaaaaaaand I have nothing else to say. I'm bored with being home. I'm bored with the internet. I really really hope tomorrow goes the way I want it to. And back to school in 4 days...nooooooooo! Tata for now!
I realized today that I am hopeless. I know what I want and I'm too afraid to really go for it. (not you, it's a future thing). I love Chemistry. People cringe when I say that, but for some reason, it's the only thing I've ever really really understood. And that scares the shit out of me lol. I don't have a fall back. There's nothing else like chem, so if I can't do it, I'm kinda screwed. I know I want to be a chemist and work in a lab, and eventually own my own lab or run my own company with a lab..or whatever lol (thus the Business minor). But I'm so afraid of my future workload. I was never the smart daughter. I've always been the one who needs extra help. On the flip side, I've always been the most dedicated. I've always done my homework and gone to class. And I will continue to work my ass off until I get what I want. (aka, a degree in chemistry...i hope:p)
Aaaaaaaaaand I have nothing else to say. I'm bored with being home. I'm bored with the internet. I really really hope tomorrow goes the way I want it to. And back to school in 4 days...nooooooooo! Tata for now!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I need to do something
Like, go somewhere. Kinda like in "Yes Man" when they just hop on a plane to Nebraska. I want to do that. Something spontaneous and completely stupid. But it would be fun. And I just want to do something crazy. I need a little adventure in my life dammit.
Sidenote: I played laser tag tonight with some APO brothers for Zach's birhday. And I had a blast. It was sooo much fun. This one random guy on the other team (in 1 of the 5 games) and I stood in the same place for a 2 or 3 minutes trying to shoot each other before the other. And he got me every damn time. Doucher. But after the game he came up to me and thanked me for making the game fun lol. So yay me:)
I'm so tired. I'm just going to get up early and do homework. I'm obviously not doing it now...
Oh well. Eating pretzel sticks and going to bed in a few:) Stay class St Charles :)
Sidenote: I played laser tag tonight with some APO brothers for Zach's birhday. And I had a blast. It was sooo much fun. This one random guy on the other team (in 1 of the 5 games) and I stood in the same place for a 2 or 3 minutes trying to shoot each other before the other. And he got me every damn time. Doucher. But after the game he came up to me and thanked me for making the game fun lol. So yay me:)
I'm so tired. I'm just going to get up early and do homework. I'm obviously not doing it now...
Oh well. Eating pretzel sticks and going to bed in a few:) Stay class St Charles :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Title:
I had a pretty good weekend. The orchestra concert went well. My dad came up for it, so that was nice. We got to have some Ashley-Daddy time. I miss talking to him. We used to be really close.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Psychology was canceled and we got out of chem early:) The movie we watched in History of Film was 70's-tastic. And there was no orchestra!:) I got to just hang out with my friends and it was a lot of fun:)
Today, I got my schedule for this summer and next semester, and here it is:
Summer--World History..yay
Next semester:
MWF
8--Principles of Financial Accounting
10--Oral Communication
11--Precalculus
1--Marching Band
TR
11--Organic Chemistry 1
2:30--Organic Lab (only Tuesday)
2:30--Orchestra (only Thursday)
I think that's a really disgusting schedule but whatever. Hopefully it wont be as bad as I think it will be.
Also! After standing in line for an hour and a half, Alysha, Kim and I signed up for housing and we got our house! I'm so excited:) We get our own rooms and we can get a microwave and a toaster! And we can decorate however we want:) I'm pumped:)
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Psychology was canceled and we got out of chem early:) The movie we watched in History of Film was 70's-tastic. And there was no orchestra!:) I got to just hang out with my friends and it was a lot of fun:)
Today, I got my schedule for this summer and next semester, and here it is:
Summer--World History..yay
Next semester:
MWF
8--Principles of Financial Accounting
10--Oral Communication
11--Precalculus
1--Marching Band
TR
11--Organic Chemistry 1
2:30--Organic Lab (only Tuesday)
2:30--Orchestra (only Thursday)
I think that's a really disgusting schedule but whatever. Hopefully it wont be as bad as I think it will be.
Also! After standing in line for an hour and a half, Alysha, Kim and I signed up for housing and we got our house! I'm so excited:) We get our own rooms and we can get a microwave and a toaster! And we can decorate however we want:) I'm pumped:)
Friday, March 20, 2009
Yesterday!
- I woke up at 3am with the most horrible itching bug bites on my ankles. I had to stumble across my room mostly blind and in the dark looking for my desk drawer for my Hydrocortisone cream. It was awesome.
- I almost had a panic attack in lab yesterday morning. I hate math. hate. Hate. HATE. And Chem 2 is all about math. And I couldnt figure out how to do it. I was freakin out, no joke. It was no good
- I understood what we talked about in Biostatistics!! YAY!
- I went to my first LSGA (Lindenwood Student Government Association) meeting! I have to go because I was elected the Public Relations chairperson for APO, and it was actually a lot of fun!
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower came in the mail today! I love that book..(And today I have started rereading it for the fifty billionth time)
- I did a grocery store drive with my (co-ed) service frat, Alpha Phi Omega, at Schnucks. I spent 3 hours saying “Hi! We’re doing a Soldier Supply Drive so we can send care packages overseas! This has a list of some random things that we could really use to help us out!” blah blah blah. I have this really “awesome” fear of approaching people and talking to them (which is why I failed as a hostess…). So I was really scared at first:/ But I got into a groove and it was actually a lot of fun. I love doing things like that:)
- And at this event, I got to spend time with some really awesome people :)
- I feel like I got some much needed closure. It wasn’t much, but i think it helped:)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
So I talked to my mom today.
And I pretty much unloaded everything that's been going on in my life. I don't talk to my mom much because I don't really feel like she wants to make time for me all the time or whatever. Idk, it's kinda weird.
But it felt good to just let it all go. Just everything, getting broken up with (again..), getting in a huge fight with a friend and not talking to her since it happened, failing my midterm, my best friend in the entire world telling me she feels like I've replaced her with school friends:/
It sucks, but I'm moving forward. That's all I can do. There's no point on dwelling on stupid things that hurt me. I'ma strong brave woman, and I do what I gotta do. That was super lame. But whatever lol:p
But it felt good to just let it all go. Just everything, getting broken up with (again..), getting in a huge fight with a friend and not talking to her since it happened, failing my midterm, my best friend in the entire world telling me she feels like I've replaced her with school friends:/
It sucks, but I'm moving forward. That's all I can do. There's no point on dwelling on stupid things that hurt me. I'ma strong brave woman, and I do what I gotta do. That was super lame. But whatever lol:p
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I don't really know what to say..
I've just had a pretty hellacious week so far. And it's only Wednesday.
I'm very excited for this weekend because I have absolutely no plans for Saturday! And as long as I can get through next week, then I'll be able to go home for spring break and all will be good:)
Just gotta get through this week first..
I'm very excited for this weekend because I have absolutely no plans for Saturday! And as long as I can get through next week, then I'll be able to go home for spring break and all will be good:)
Just gotta get through this week first..
Sunday, March 15, 2009
blahblahblah
i dont have much to say. i need to finish some homework. i get have a super awesome convo later. yay.
i'm ready for spring break. i want to go home. i need to get away from here for awhile. the sooner the better.
ugh.
i'm ready for spring break. i want to go home. i need to get away from here for awhile. the sooner the better.
ugh.
Friday, March 13, 2009
super sleepy, super weekend
i'm tired. and i hope this weekend doesnt suck.
tonight: battle of the bands. i'm going. i'm not like, jumping for joy lol, but i guess i'm kinda excited? idk, i'm only going because paul's band is playing lol
tomorrow: sleeping in! and i'm getting certified at the Humane Society in the early afternoon. i'm kind of pumped about that. then finishing up some homework. nothing to do tomorrow night though:/
sunday: sleeping in again! and i'm not sure. no plans!
wooooooooooot. i like weekends. i don't want to go to school next week. bah.
tonight: battle of the bands. i'm going. i'm not like, jumping for joy lol, but i guess i'm kinda excited? idk, i'm only going because paul's band is playing lol
tomorrow: sleeping in! and i'm getting certified at the Humane Society in the early afternoon. i'm kind of pumped about that. then finishing up some homework. nothing to do tomorrow night though:/
sunday: sleeping in again! and i'm not sure. no plans!
wooooooooooot. i like weekends. i don't want to go to school next week. bah.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
So I have this really bad habit
Of going pee with the door open. Like, I close the main door to the bathroom..but for some reason, I can't get myself to close the door with just the toilet. Idk why. I think it's because like, at home my room is in the basement, and I have my own bathroom. And like no one else goes down there. So I don't ever worrry about closing the door lol. But I kind of have this feeling that some day, Alysha (my roommate) or Jasmine (my suitemate) is going to just burst into the bathroom needing to wash their hands or brush their teeth or something.
That would be embarrassing.
Sorry for the tmi. You know you love me:)
Love, Ash :)
That would be embarrassing.
Sorry for the tmi. You know you love me:)
Love, Ash :)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Today was a little rough...
Lots of thoughts. Lots of talking. Just lots of stuff.
I was nominated tonight for the new Public Relations chair for APO. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I think I could do a pretty good job of it...at least I hope:p
After dinner, before the APO meeting, Kim and I were leaving Spellmann to go to Butler for the meeting and it was pouring down rain. She was like "we should wait til it lightens up to go over there..." and I was like SRSLY?! "Let's just go!" So we took off our shoes, rolled up our pants, and had Elizabeth carry everything. And we ran from Spellmann to Butler (which is a pretty good distance). I couldn't breathe, my foot was killing me, and I was soaking wet. But for some reason it felt so good to do. I know it's just running in the rain, but I felt so like, carefree and silly. It made me feel a lot better.
Today has been kind of rough. I don't particularly want to talk about it here. But it got better as the day progressed. The hug at the end of the night was the best:) And it most definitely made my day:)
I was nominated tonight for the new Public Relations chair for APO. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I think I could do a pretty good job of it...at least I hope:p
After dinner, before the APO meeting, Kim and I were leaving Spellmann to go to Butler for the meeting and it was pouring down rain. She was like "we should wait til it lightens up to go over there..." and I was like SRSLY?! "Let's just go!" So we took off our shoes, rolled up our pants, and had Elizabeth carry everything. And we ran from Spellmann to Butler (which is a pretty good distance). I couldn't breathe, my foot was killing me, and I was soaking wet. But for some reason it felt so good to do. I know it's just running in the rain, but I felt so like, carefree and silly. It made me feel a lot better.
Today has been kind of rough. I don't particularly want to talk about it here. But it got better as the day progressed. The hug at the end of the night was the best:) And it most definitely made my day:)
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
So much on my mind..
What the hell am I doing? Because I'm not entirely sure.
School is hitting me really hard this semester. I try to act like it isn't that bad..but I'm not doing that well. I do all of the work and study my ass off...but I can still do more. And I obviously need to start doing more or I'll have C's this semester. And that just won't do for me. It's just going to be even more hard because I'm already stressed out with the work I have now:/ bahhhh
I don't know if I can be a chem major. It's the only thing I've ever really loved and been really happy to do. I can't do math/history/english/art/music/pretty much anything else. But the work is so hard..and I don't really have the confidence in myself to be able to do it. I guess I just need to work on that.
I really just need someone to talk to. I know I can talk to my friends here...but I can't talk about everything I need to talk about with everyone. The little and big things. I need someone to pillow talk with. I can't really just call Sara from home and start talking about how much the caf food sucks, or how much chem is kicking my ass. She's not here and wouldn't totally understand. Idk. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this one.
This damn weight thing is really bothering me. If you don't know already, I went to the doctor the other day with a foot sprain. On the sheet given to me before I left, it said.....
You Have Been Diagnosed With:
foot sprain
obesity
Um, seriously? I know I'm not a twig...but I don't think I'm obese. I was actually kind of offended that they put that on there. There's nothing I can do about it, so it's pretty much just whatever, but I mean, seriously? lol I actually thought it was somewhat amusing.
Speaking of the obese thing, a little bit ago, I saw a commercial for a weight loss work out thingy. And I was just sitting there thinking "I'm happy enough with my body to not need to pay to change it." I LOVE my body. Yeah, having a big ass gets in the way. And having big boobs makes buying new shirts annoying sometimes. But I love the way I look. I mean, I would like to lose a few pounds, mostly for health issues, but c'mon. I look good! lol I like my figure! I'm not going to spend hundreds of dollars to try to lose weight just because someone thinks I'm fat or don't look right! That's just absurd to me...I actually pity those girls who don't feel that way. Yeah, I have my insecurities that pop up here and there, but I like who I am and I'm comfy in my own skin. And if you have a problem with it, well, then you can suck it.
And that is all.
Goodnight.
Love, Ash
School is hitting me really hard this semester. I try to act like it isn't that bad..but I'm not doing that well. I do all of the work and study my ass off...but I can still do more. And I obviously need to start doing more or I'll have C's this semester. And that just won't do for me. It's just going to be even more hard because I'm already stressed out with the work I have now:/ bahhhh
I don't know if I can be a chem major. It's the only thing I've ever really loved and been really happy to do. I can't do math/history/english/art/music/pretty much anything else. But the work is so hard..and I don't really have the confidence in myself to be able to do it. I guess I just need to work on that.
I really just need someone to talk to. I know I can talk to my friends here...but I can't talk about everything I need to talk about with everyone. The little and big things. I need someone to pillow talk with. I can't really just call Sara from home and start talking about how much the caf food sucks, or how much chem is kicking my ass. She's not here and wouldn't totally understand. Idk. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this one.
This damn weight thing is really bothering me. If you don't know already, I went to the doctor the other day with a foot sprain. On the sheet given to me before I left, it said.....
You Have Been Diagnosed With:
foot sprain
obesity
Um, seriously? I know I'm not a twig...but I don't think I'm obese. I was actually kind of offended that they put that on there. There's nothing I can do about it, so it's pretty much just whatever, but I mean, seriously? lol I actually thought it was somewhat amusing.
Speaking of the obese thing, a little bit ago, I saw a commercial for a weight loss work out thingy. And I was just sitting there thinking "I'm happy enough with my body to not need to pay to change it." I LOVE my body. Yeah, having a big ass gets in the way. And having big boobs makes buying new shirts annoying sometimes. But I love the way I look. I mean, I would like to lose a few pounds, mostly for health issues, but c'mon. I look good! lol I like my figure! I'm not going to spend hundreds of dollars to try to lose weight just because someone thinks I'm fat or don't look right! That's just absurd to me...I actually pity those girls who don't feel that way. Yeah, I have my insecurities that pop up here and there, but I like who I am and I'm comfy in my own skin. And if you have a problem with it, well, then you can suck it.
And that is all.
Goodnight.
Love, Ash
Saturday, March 7, 2009
ooga booga wah-cha!
So I'm home. And I'm enjoying the time to just chill out. Last night, I was in Columbia with my mom. I was invited to a few parties, but I stayed in and just hung out with my mom and stepdad. I went to bed at 10:30! It was awesome:)
Today, I came home and visited with my dad and stepmom for a bit. We had a lot to catch up on. Then I went to my childhood friends, Mary, baby shower. I haven't seen her or any of the girls there in quite a while. So it was good to catch up :) After that I went to the mall and bought 5 pairs of cotton butt-covering panties from Victoria's Secret..they were having a sale! :) Then I came home and am spending the evening with my dad, stepmom, and little sister. I'm going to work on some homework and just chill. It's very relaxing, not worrying about anything and being able to just hang out at home:)
Tomorrow, I'm going to pick Paul up at the Jeff City Trailhead on the Katy Trail. We're going to go out to eat with my parents, then head back to school at some point. It should be a truely pleasant experience:p
Overall, a good weekend. I'm happy to be away from school for a little while. I almost don't want to go back tomorrow..but if I don't, my parents will drive me insane lol. So it's good to get away for awhile. But I'll be happy to go back and see/spend time with my friends:)
Today, I came home and visited with my dad and stepmom for a bit. We had a lot to catch up on. Then I went to my childhood friends, Mary, baby shower. I haven't seen her or any of the girls there in quite a while. So it was good to catch up :) After that I went to the mall and bought 5 pairs of cotton butt-covering panties from Victoria's Secret..they were having a sale! :) Then I came home and am spending the evening with my dad, stepmom, and little sister. I'm going to work on some homework and just chill. It's very relaxing, not worrying about anything and being able to just hang out at home:)
Tomorrow, I'm going to pick Paul up at the Jeff City Trailhead on the Katy Trail. We're going to go out to eat with my parents, then head back to school at some point. It should be a truely pleasant experience:p
Overall, a good weekend. I'm happy to be away from school for a little while. I almost don't want to go back tomorrow..but if I don't, my parents will drive me insane lol. So it's good to get away for awhile. But I'll be happy to go back and see/spend time with my friends:)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I am going home tomorrow:)
And I am super pumped for it:) I haven't been home in about 2 1/2 months. It's not as bad as some people..but I really miss it. I'll get to see my parents and I'll be able to sleep in my own bed! I'm really excited:)
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Forever 21 has heard my cries!
They're launching a plus-size line!!
I know I'm not that big of a person..but Forever 21 is really limited to their sizes. They have some super cute clothes, but I've got broad shoulders, big boobs, and big hips. So this is very exciting news!!
I'm suuuuper excited:) Big girls need love too:)
The article is here.
I know I'm not that big of a person..but Forever 21 is really limited to their sizes. They have some super cute clothes, but I've got broad shoulders, big boobs, and big hips. So this is very exciting news!!
I'm suuuuper excited:) Big girls need love too:)
The article is here.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
I'm blogging just for you.
This is a very true statement. You always make me smile, even when I don't want to :)
Again, very true. Whether you like it or not, you make me feel this way:p
Maybe not until 3:15 am...but I do think about you a lot:p
I want you to be happy. I care about what you do, but I'm never going to tell you what to do. As long as you're still alive and safe and happy, I'm happy too. If you want to go on a ridiculously long and potentially unsafe bike ride all summer..go for it, just as long as you let me know you're still alive:)
...this summer...
I haven't been home since January 5th.
It has been almost two full months since I have been home. It's not that I haven't wanted to go home, I've just been super busy. And now I'm to the point where I almost need to go back. I miss my parents and my bed and just laying around the house. I feel silly, but there's no stress at home like there is here. I miss my home and just everything.
I know I've been kind of edgy and bitchy lately. But I've been so stressed..the damn musical, my classes are kicking my ass. And all I really want is a hug. Particularly a hug from my dad. But a hug in general, like a big meaningful "Everything is going to be okay" hug would be awesome.
But I'll be better soon. Just tired. Physically, emotionally, every other kind of -ally possible. I'm sick of being here. I want to go home. Then I'll be good.
Blah. That is all.
I know I've been kind of edgy and bitchy lately. But I've been so stressed..the damn musical, my classes are kicking my ass. And all I really want is a hug. Particularly a hug from my dad. But a hug in general, like a big meaningful "Everything is going to be okay" hug would be awesome.
But I'll be better soon. Just tired. Physically, emotionally, every other kind of -ally possible. I'm sick of being here. I want to go home. Then I'll be good.
Blah. That is all.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Disney Movies=Lack of good parental relationships
The other day, while sitting in the pit, Atena and I were discussing how there are practically no strong parental relationships aka, mom and dad together and happy.
Examples:
The Lion King: mom and dad in the beginning, then dad dies, movie goes to shit, happy ending
Aladdin: Aladdin has no parents; Jasmine doesn't have a mom
Pocahontas: no mom
Cinderella: no mom, dad dies in the beginning, stuck with evil stepmother
Sleeping Beauty: never seen it
Toy Story: where's the dad?
Snow White: no parents, stuck with evil stepmother
The Little Mermaid: where's mom?
Beauty and the Beast: no mom
Movies with good parental relationships:
Mulan: BUT men dominate in China, so whatever
The Incredibles: yet there was still conflict because dad was hiding things
What are they really saying to children? People wonder why children have such a hard time getting along with their parents. We've grown up watching these movies, and we see these relationships that the characters have with their parents. It's hard not to relate to some of them. And America wonders why it's divorce rate is so high..
Examples:
The Lion King: mom and dad in the beginning, then dad dies, movie goes to shit, happy ending
Aladdin: Aladdin has no parents; Jasmine doesn't have a mom
Pocahontas: no mom
Cinderella: no mom, dad dies in the beginning, stuck with evil stepmother
Sleeping Beauty: never seen it
Toy Story: where's the dad?
Snow White: no parents, stuck with evil stepmother
The Little Mermaid: where's mom?
Beauty and the Beast: no mom
Movies with good parental relationships:
Mulan: BUT men dominate in China, so whatever
The Incredibles: yet there was still conflict because dad was hiding things
What are they really saying to children? People wonder why children have such a hard time getting along with their parents. We've grown up watching these movies, and we see these relationships that the characters have with their parents. It's hard not to relate to some of them. And America wonders why it's divorce rate is so high..
Friday, February 27, 2009
Can't Say I'm Surprised
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid Disorder: | Low |
| Schizoid Disorder: | Low |
| Schizotypal Disorder: | Moderate |
| Antisocial Disorder: | Low |
| Borderline Disorder: | Low |
| Histrionic Disorder: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic Disorder: | Low |
| Avoidant Disorder: | Low |
| Dependent Disorder: | Low |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: | High |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders -- | |
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I want a puppy.
This one actually. It's an Icelandic Sheepdog puppy. And I think it's absolutely adorable. I have a dog at home. He's a Cocker Spaniel/Black Lab mix and his name is Abe. I love him to death, but sadly, he's getting very old.
Today, I was actually thinking that I want a puppy. I think I'm more of a cat person, but there's something about dogs that are so..I don't know..like "home-y". That sounds super lame, but whatever. I just want a puppy. A cute, fluffy puppy that I can run around and play with and that will sit on my lap and be adorable. I sound really lame, but that's what I want. :)
Monday, February 23, 2009
I don't know what to write.
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